Retrograde

I don't know if Mercury is in retrograde or Venus has a heavy influence in my chart... But I happened upon a former "I don't know what to call him" pics on Facebook. 

And it shifted something in my soul. 

We shared THE BEST KISSES. I needed to put that somewhere... 

The Last Kiss

I see your picture

Your smile

And realize that  

You're the last person I kissed

The last person I kissed

The last

The last person I kissed

With passion

And purpose

And love

The last person I kissed

That made my heart skip a beat

And my breath catch in my throat

And my smile begin from the inside

The last person I kissed

Whose voice touched every part of me

Whose laugh I felt was just for me

Whose smile made my day, every day

A kiss?

Just a kiss you say

Never just a kiss

Intimate and telling

Your energy breathing into mine

Creating a place for emotions

To blossom and grow

Setting the stage for connection

For knowledge beyond the physical

For now and for always

The last person I kissed

With passion

And purpose

And love

You're the last person I kissed

The last person I kissed

The last

The last person I kissed

And meant it

I miss your kiss

©Hatiná Netsai 11-16-2013 

Poetry as Reality.

The Angst

I so want to believe in you

But I’ve been wrong before...

This giddy

This lust

This tumble

This roll

The smile that starts in my stomach

When your voice is in my ear

Awakening to thoughts

Of eyes that turn to lips that turn to hands that

Touch me in places

Real and imagined

Until

It really

Happens again

This happy

This dance

This saunter

This fall

Oh this delicious fall into the lilt of voice

And the way your tongue moves me

Light on your skin

And joy in your step translating to joy in my heart

A rush to be near

To hear and listen like never before

A connection

A chance to be more

This sunshine

This light

This joyous

This free

Soaring on clouds

And walking on air

From untethered dreams

And shortness of breath

And then

Shortness of call

And brevity of conversation

And hope to doubt

And promise to pessimism

And a universe shift

That sends me flailing

Sliding into an uncertainty that was rock solid what seems like

Moments

Before

And before and before

Becomes

I felt and I had

When all I want

Is I have and I know and I feel

And I love

You

And you are now

This hurtful

This pain

This ugly

This scab

This hump of a thing to get over

No longer light

Nor right

Nor just

Because I have been here before

And I want to believe in you

Just believe

In what I feel

And trust

In what you say

And show

But…

Yeah.


Online Dating: Snapshot

What do I do with this?

Let Me Holla At You... Let Me Holla At You

So I wore THIS romper today and there was almost an altercation on Benning Rd between two gentlemen trying to get first, my attention and consequently, my number... 

(The pic is used as a point of reference... Lots of leg and thigh meat on display, but not raunchy.

 Say hi to my Granny and my daughters...)

I was coming out of the corner store with my Dr. Pepper and Dude number one was like hey can I talk to you... I said you ARE talking... He says can I text your phone? I said how old are you? He says 25... I say you're a little too young for me.... He then begins to plead his case...

Meanwhile, Dude number two just slides up, (looks at me) Man, I'm 47 years old. (Takes off his cap) I don't look 47 do I? (Approaches dude number one) Young dude you can't do nothing for her... You can't even buy her a cold soda! (Looks at me) Ain't that right sweetheart? 

I said, UhUh don't put me in it... 

The youngin was like you need to back back partner... The older guy was like you ain't holding me up, imma step to her soon as she turn you down... Young boy was like you mad disrespectful... Number two was all you ain't shit to disrespect mufukka! ... They were going back and forth and it was getting HEATED!

I said "ooh here's my bus."  And got on that joint. Cracking up...

So now I'm at home changing my clothes. Ain't nobody got time for that.

The crazy thing was that the older dude was way more out of line than the young guy... Who walks up to two people you don't know trying to talk to one and carry the other? He needed a hug or something!

What in the hell? 

Morning Creep

My name is Hatiná.

Today is Friday, August 16, 2013.

It's 6:47 am.

I have a story. 

Yesterday I deleted my POF profile and created a new one. New name, new pics etc. I had to shake off the cray cray that had been creeping into my messages of late... So I get up early this morning to pee and see a message from a dude that I was supposed to have got in contact with a couple weeks ago. He had expressed how he didn't want to just talk online and had left his home number for me to use at my discretion. I had every intention of calling, but somehow never got around to it. It's now about 6 am. 

The message reads, "hey there what's your number?" 

Since we have already chatted before and it is the ass crack of dawn, I send the number. 

I cannot type when I'm half sleep, it annoys me. 

He then sends another message, "you available this morning?"

I pause. "To talk? Sure."

Him: "Boooooo"

Me: "Boo? Really? Just use the number. It's too early to be typing."

He doesn't respond. I wait a few minutes then roll over to go back to my early morning slumber.  

Of course as soon as me and my pillow get back on good terms, the phone rings...

"Hello"

Him: "you happy now?"

Me: "you asked for the number dear. Good morning."

He laughs.

He's like "well I asked to see you this morning and you just want to talk on the phone..."

What?

I say "First of all you asked was I available this morning. I said yes, TO TALK... Secondly, it's like 6:30 am. I'm in the bed. And why are you trying to meet me so early?"

Him: "well I have to work later just wanted to see you before then. Do you drive?"

Me: "no."

Him: " I don't have a problem coming to get you. I need to run to Walmart to take care of something really important. But that's about it. What time were you getting up?"

Me: "I don't know. Not now. But if you wanted to go to breakfast or something, I could get up around 8."

Him: "We'll I don't know about breakfast. You could just come over to my house and we chill, you know, party. If you like what you see and I like what I see then we just go from there.. we could fix a little lunch a little dinner (!!!) and then I could bring you back around 8 before I got to work at 9."

Okay.

Before I get to my response to this box full of shenanigans, lets break this down...

You. Stranger dude.

Want me to get up out of MY bed at the ass crack of morning. Ride with you to Walmart.  Where I don't have to come in. ( yes I skipped that part of the sparkling conversation)

Then go back home with you. In your car. Basically give you permission to kidnap me.

Where you have EVERY intention of fucking. (I'm slow, it took me a minute)

And this sex? It's supposed to last ALL DAY LONG because in your grand plan you are dropping me back home at EIGHT O'CLOCK AT NIGHT!

Seriously? 

And..... We're back.

Me: "wait, what?"

Him: "what's wrong?"

Me: "what's right? You are expecting me to come to your house and take off my clothes? No intentions on doing ANYTHING like that."

Him: "I mean, we both grown. If we blend, yeah, I mean, we ain't on e-harmony or something..."

Me: "Nigga it aint a sex site either"

Him: " well you expecting me to come and get you JUST TO MEET? That's a long way for meeting somebody, I mean, we grown..."

Me: "And because you offered to come and get me because you WANT some ass, I should be GIVING you some ass because you came to get me? If you only knew how fucking crazy you sound. Boy, get the fuck off my phone please!"

Him: "so you don't want to see if we blend? I mean, if we don't, we could just be straight up..."

Me: "Straighten your damn self up, you lunatic..."

And I pressed END.

I'm never going to find a man.

I'm going back to bed. 

Donut Shop and the Attack of the PopPop

Yesterday, I'm sitting in Dunkin Donuts on 14th and U Streets NW. Sipping a strawberry Coolatta and tapping away on the iPad trying to plot my next Friday "move". All of a sudden I hear, "You can stop texting him, I'm right here." I pause. And feel someone standing over me... I'm like, "WHAT!?!?" and look up at Morgan Freeman's older brother... Gray nostril hairs waving at me.

Seriously?

Dude, excuse me I'm being disrespectful.
SIR, you are old enough to be my grandfather. And both of them are dead. I KNOW you didn't just show up over here trying to Mack!

Then he and his boy (man? gentleman? idk) proceed to sit down next to me and have a heated and lively discussion about which of them was the bigger "playa". Somebody come and get your great-uncles... The subject of the conversation then turned to their friend who wasn't there, Dee. "Dee ain't a playa no more. That nigga in love." I hope so! Who wants to be nearly 70 years old out here still hitting on unsuspecting women in the donut shop? Oh. Y'all do. My bad.

I don't know what it is with me and the PopPops... PopPop is my name for any man over the age of 60 still trying to holla. I really think it's the natural hair. Old men are forever hitting me with "Hey Sister", "You wearing that hair baby"... I must remind them of a better time. A younger self. Applejack hats and leather pea coats... Lots of polyester... Full heads of hair and teeth that weren't convertible...

Meeting quality men is a challenge, but I haven't started trolling for senior citizens. Yet. 

Apparently for the month of August I'm posting EVERY DAY because Luvvie said so...

So I was on Facebook today and as usual, I hit the link yo see what my boothang Awesomely Luvvie Ade Ratchet was talmbout... And she's challenging herself to post on her fantabulously funny blog  every single day for the month of August.

She asked fellow bloggers to join her.

I clicked the link.

I said yes.

Now I'm scurred.

http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/2013/07/31writenow-blog-challenge.html

Pray for me y'all!

Sex with the Wrong People: the Baby Daddy edition

this is a rant... i think.

yeah. i need to vent. 

i have nearly 10 year old twin boys, Kemani and Kendi. I have NOT seen or heard from their father since August 13, 2003. This was 1 month and 9 days after they were born. I did not expect twins. I thought I was having “A” baby, nevertheless two showed up.

Their father and I, at the time of their conception had known each other for 10-11 years. We had dated briefly, became very good friends who did their own thing but still bumped uglies on the semi-regular… he was first and foremost, my friend, my boy, my confidante. He and I both had been there for each other thru some rocky, real shit. When his best friend and neighbor was killed in a car accident, i left my brand-new boyfriend and ran to his side… when his big brother passed away from cancer, i held his hand at the funeral, much to his new girlfriend’s chagrin… we were TIGHT.

So when i found myself pregnant, and by him nonetheless, I knew we would work it out. Whether we were together or not. My labor on July 4th (yes), 2003 was early and unexpected, and FAST. I didn’t get a moment to call him until after they were born. He was surprised, but came to see them as soon as he heard. When I came home with the boys, he was there. He held them and changed them and talked to them… I had already chosen their names, but changed them when he asked that he and his father’s names be included… 

And then one day, he disappeared. Literally. No answering of calls. I wrote letters, I popped up at his mother’s house, his job, did internet searches, everything. Then Ifiled for child support. For almost four years I was at the court building every 6 months. He was never served. They had every bit of info that I did… 

Nevertheless, my boys have grown and flourished… one an avid reader, mannish and quick, his younger by 27 minutes brother, compassionate and empathetic, coping with learning disabilities and testing for the autism spectrum, but the sweetest kid you’ve ever met. Yes, we have had some hard times. Homelessness, financial struggles, but lots of good times, way more good than bad. but through EVERYTHING they always hunger for a father. I know this. And it is the single most heartbreaking factor of my life to this moment. I keep positive, real men in their lives. They have “uncles” who love them and keep their mom sane. But still it’s unfair to them to not have someone to call Daddy. I had a father that I knew loved me until the moment he left this earth, are my children not worthy of the same?

Last summer I ran into one of their father’s best friends and it was the catalyst for me to start digging into finding him again. I found out that he is married with 2 little girls. He and his wife are divorcing after 6 years of marriage and he has moved back home with his mom. I’m trying to remain the bigger, stronger person in all of this but I still have yet to get in contact with him. And I’ve done letters, drive-bys, the works… The court system is no help. Ten years later and he has not been served any papers. I’m so frustrated. 

And YOU want to ask WHY I'm single?

*sigh* (note the time stamps)

7:32 am

Idiot:  you up?

8:22 am

Me: I am now. 

I:  Lol... I just wanted to know if you were free now

M: Free for what? I'm barely awake.

I: To spend some time cuddling

M: You don't want to "cuddle" Idiot... Just say what you want. It's too fucking early for me to be in "decipher what this means" mode...

I: Lol.. It does start shit.. But i do want to see you.. And fuck yea i miss the other stuff. 

M: the last sentence should have been the first. You funny. "other stuff"

I: You seem frustrated with me.. We good?

M: nope. We ain't good. You resurface a full year after our few times hanging out. You claim you want to see me, I told you I was in a shitty mood but you insisted so I let you come by. You ask me did I want to go for a drive, I said sure. You attempt to molest me while you're driving, then get in YOUR feelings when I don't want to suck your dick in the car... Yet here you are not 2 months later sending messages about "cuddling" and "missing" shit when in reality all you want to do is fuck. I understand that our past interaction might have you believing I would be cool with that, but I'm not. That's not where I am right now. You want to be my friend, that's one thing but I don't need a fuck buddy. AT ALL. So miss me with the fake concern and chitchat. I see you.

I: And I'm cool with that.. But that's how i came off to you.. And that's my fault... I apologize.. That's why i thought you needed a cuddle buddy.. Lol.. I like to see you smile.

(Womp. Womp. I can't even respond... He still comes back with the "cuddle buddy" SMH)

All You Need is Faith and Trust, and A Little bit of Pixie Dust...

Sex with the wrong people rarely starts off that way, well sometimes it does, but often it's a connection, unexplainable but electric with someone whose entire being makes you feel like home. Like this is where you were meant to be all along. And when that happens, cherish it. It may be for a moment or a lifetime, but the feeling is worthy of experiencing. And then when it all comes crashing down, try to hold on to that spark... Mine is flickering. 

Like Tinkerbell in Peter Pan, we need more than one person to believe...

I wrote this to that one person. It's still untitled.

I don’t know. I really don’t. 

I understand you want to talk but…
Conversation won’t fix this. It won’t. 

It is what it is. 
I’m still your friend. I just can’t be anything else. 


And right now I can’t even be a close friend. 

I hate that I can’t do this. 
That I’m not OVER this. 

8 months later and I’m still THIS. 


I don’t know what to do with what I feel. 
So I guess I do nothing. 


Time heals all wounds. 
I haven’t waited long enough I guess. 

One day it won’t hurt, right?


I’ve spent so much energy trying to avoid being here. 


Because THIS PLACE, right here, is exactly the reason I stopped having sex with you. 


Because if I was still doing that, I’d be even MORE fucked up than I am now. 


I can’t blame you for what I feel. And I don’t. 


I know you’re just living your life, being you, you don’t mean to be hurtful. 

But your very presence pains me. 


I know you’ve had the deep undying commitment before… I understand that’s not what you need nor want from me. 


But unfortunately my love, though we may not have had the commitment, my feelings ran deep, hell they might even be undying.

All I know is that for all my brave talk they haven’t diminished. 


So I’m just going to have to stay away from you, even more than I have. 

Which seems crazy because I feel so very far removed from you now.

Poetry as Memory.

Hindsight...

i wish we could go back.


i remember our very first chat.


it was a friday.
 you were on a train coming from nyc.


i was sitting at my desk in my office way past the time for me to leave.


you invited me over to eat that very first night.


i declined… but blew off my friends the next day and came to see you.

can i say best first date ever?



you were so very sweet with me. 

it was january and cold. 


you rubbed my feet. we watched law and order, ate pizza and talked. 


you told me how you didn’t want to be "just friends" with someone you cared about.


you made me smile.


you touched my face and reached right through me and touched my heart in the same instant.


i lay on your chest.

we kissed and kissed for what seemed like hours.


we cuddled on the sofa. 

it got late and I stayed over.

we cuddled more and fell asleep in each other's arms. 


in the morning you brought me orange juice.


and fed me strawberry yogurt from your spoon.


i thought it was the single sweetest act i had ever witnessed from a man i just met.



i think i fell in love with you in that moment.



you filled me up. the thought of you grounded me.


you made me think. and feel. and laugh.


you still do.



i will always be your greatest supporter.


your biggest fan.


and as close a friend as you allow me to be.


i am not searching for perfection… 
just a man whose imperfections mesh with mine.


for a time i hoped that man was you.


and for a time i knew it.



how do you miss a chance at happiness if you never take the time to find it?


New Endeavors

I'm on a new warm weather adventure.

Dating.

Yes, dating. No sex with new men. And I'm using a traditional dating site to aid me in my quest as opposed to my usual raunchy "hookup" site.

I've been doing this for about two months now. Nothing earth shattering to report. Yet.