(this is actually something i wrote a few years ago, but it SOOO fits. STILL. LOL)
Doesn't feel good when you run into an
ex- and there are no regrets? not one moment when you say "damn he looks
good and i wonder does he ever..." (yeah just like Ne-yo in that old video
for ''do you" ) and on a sidenote, how in the hell did she know which
phone booth in the desert he made the call from? if you haven't ever seen the
video, get yourself some bizness and check it out!
oh, where was i? oh yeah, no regrets. i
ran into an old boyfriend on the subway platform yesterday. how fitting, being
as though our shiznit was a trainwreck from start to finish. Let's call him
"M". M was the epitome of tall dark and handsome. you want to know how
i KNOW i had never felt this way about anyone before?
IT WASN'T ABOUT THE SEX. i don't even
remember much about it. but ask me something about what he thinks or how he
feels about any random subject. i bet i can tell you in vivid detail. M was not
all bad. he was intelligent and funny. he was the first man who i ever felt
always told me the truth. i never doubted him (yall see where this is going,
right?). we were talking about marriage a week into the
"relationship". i was a different desperate mess back then. and he
probably could smell the play-doh in my head. i felt like i needed to be
molded, shaped, formed and reborn in his image. the man... not Jesus, i was
sick!
he picked me up from work from day one,
let me drive his car, hold his ATM card, meet his kids (all 6 of them...) all
the bogus ish you tell yourself means he trusts you, he wants you. and most
importantly he TALKED. he loved to share, always wanted to know what i was
thinking, how i was feeling. i was ridiculously smitten within days.
My Friends
Hated Him.
of course they did. "he was too deep", they "couldn't
relate to him", they"didn't want me to be happy". so what does this chick, the nut do?
stay away from her friends!
all i need is M. he is my husband. my
future. i used to pray i would get pregnant by this man. I swear if that's not a
sign that God knows what is best for us, nothing is.
M's mother even said "yall are
together more than MARRIED people". when we weren't working, we were
together. ALL THE TIME!
M's big thing was self reflection. knowing yourself,
finding yourself, discovering your divine purpose. i think he thought his
divine purpose was to drill this into me until i REALIZED that there was
something wrong with me. i didn't share! i avoided questions! i was so
uncomfortable talking about myself! what was i hiding? why wasn't i happier
with me? i didn't know whether i was coming or going. and then on Thanksgiving
he told me he didn't want to be my anything. not my friend, not my boyfriend,
nothing. he didn't want to keep "having to tell me what to do". he
had "been where i was and had grown past it and didn't want to revisit
it".
can i tell you something in me curled up
into a ball and died that night?
2 days later he asked was i still going
to spend the weekend in Delaware with he and his brother and his brother's
girl. his words, "Charles (his bro.) wants to know if you are still going
with us?" i said didn't you tell him? he said no, and you can still go.
(drum roll please...)
so i went. and i brought a book with me.
we chilled. we barely talked, but we danced late one night to "Summer
Rain" by Carl Thomas. Every single time i hear that song i think of "M".
on the ride home, we had a horrible argument because he said i was excluding
myself the whole weekend because i was reading.
but that wasn't the end.
i spoke to him
in January on his birthday. then nothing. one night in April there is a knock
on my door. it's M. and i am honestly UN-enthused. he says "Mann (his best
friend) was asking about you and i was like we are right by here house so we
came to see you" i'm like O...K.
So i go downstairs. There is Mann, my
boy, i really liked him. he is soo f-ing cool. M is in the trunk doing
something. so i get in and start talking to his friend. Mann is like "why
you do my boy like that, you know he loves you."
---record scratch---
What?!?!?!
he told you i quit him? Mann is looking
at me like i am a certified nut... he was like yeah. i said he is such a
coward. your boy told me he didn't want to be my ANYTHING anymore. now it's
Mann's turn to look confused. he was like all that nigga does is TALK ABOUT
YOU. (in hindsight, was this the set-up? if it was i was falling for it
hook-line-and sinker)
fastforward>>> i rode with M to
take Mann home. on the way back he pulls over and has a mini-breakdown. his life
is a wreck. he had to leave his job. someone he thought was his friend turned
out not to be. his soon was suffering in school. blah Blah and BLAH. i sit and
listen in silence. he misses me. he is sorry. he knows he was tripping. he
drinks too much. he thinks we are SUPPOSED to be together. blah Blah and BLAH.
so i am a sucker, i am his shoulder, i
let him come in, cuddle, spend the night. before we fall asleep he says,
"let's get married". i say, "M you have never even said you love
me". he says "you should know how i feel". i say "if you
wanna marry me, you should be able to say it". and he didn't say it. maybe
it was because i was sleepy, but i was strong for a minute. in the bright light
of day though, i was rethinking it. the next day we did our old sunday routine,
went to the farmers market. got some fried fish and strawberry lemonade and had
a lil picnic at the park (i told yall it was good sometimes). i say, "did
you mean what you said last night about getting married?" he says "you
already answered the question so it doesn't matter anymore." end of
discussion.
he takes me home and i don't see or hear
from him for another 5 months.
that July 2002, my daddy passed away. he
liked M. we even had taken a couple road trips down to Central VA to visit my Dad.
and they clicked. so i knew he would want to know he died. but i couldn't reach
him. couldn't find him. left messages with his mom, never called me back. so of
course because i was a pressed obsessed BI-ATCH, it became MANDATORY that i
tell him. IT WAS MY LIFE'S MISSION. i kept calling. it was an obsession.
i finally caught up with M.
it was
September (yes, SEPTEMBER) and i called his mom's prepared to hear the same ol'
but she was like hold on.
he gets on, "hello"
me: what's up?
M: ummm, hey whats going on?
(voices in the background)
me: are you busy?
M: uh, hold on.
(muffled voices in the background)
M: yeah, T? ummm, i don't stay here
anymore.
me: oh, you moved, i have been trying to
get in contact with you becaus..
(he cuts me off)
M: i got married
(i COULD NOT BREATHE!)
me: when?
M: In July.
(ohmigod, he asked me in april and why
did i say no, and who is it, and why is he married and i am about to die and i
have a headache and i can't breathe and why did i say no and whats wrong with
me and .... you get the gist of what was going thru my head while tears are
pouring from my eyes and i am a snotty, slobbering mess)
me: so who is it
(just knowing it was a baby momma)
M: you don't know her
(why do i feel like i am being stabbed
repeatedly with a blunt object?)
me: oh.... well i just wanted to tell you
Daddy died, i thought you would wanna know.
(trying to rush off the phone now)
M: oh baby i am so sorry to hear that.
when?
me: JULY
M: well why...?
(i cut him off by hanging up.)
and that was the last conversation i had
with him until Monday when i saw him on the metro looking EXACTLY the same way
he did so many years ago. i thought i would feel animosity or apprehension. but
i didn't. it is what it is and i know i had to experience M to get to this
plateau in my life. yes, i am single but i have no complaints. i can say i have
my kids and my friends and my family and i am good.
M on the other hand is "of
course" not married anymore. and back living with his mom. we had a long
detailed conversation Monday night, because of course he gave me his number so
we could go out "to lunch or dinner or something".