Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Sex with the wrong people rarely starts off that way, well sometimes it does, but often it's a connection, unexplainable but electric with someone whose entire being makes you feel like home. Like this is where you were meant to be all along. And when that happens, cherish it. It may be for a moment or a lifetime, but the feeling is worthy of experiencing. And then when it all comes crashing down, try to hold on to that spark... Mine is flickering.
Like Tinkerbell in Peter Pan, we need more than one person to believe...
I wrote this to that one person. It's still untitled.
I don’t know. I really don’t.
I understand you want to talk but… Conversation won’t fix this. It won’t.
It is what it is. I’m still your friend. I just can’t be anything else.
And right now I can’t even be a close friend.
I hate that I can’t do this. That I’m not OVER this.
8 months later and I’m still THIS.
I don’t know what to do with what I feel. So I guess I do nothing.
Time heals all wounds. I haven’t waited long enough I guess.
One day it won’t hurt, right?
I’ve spent so much energy trying to avoid being here.
Because THIS PLACE, right here, is exactly the reason I stopped having sex with you.
Because if I was still doing that, I’d be even MORE fucked up than I am now.
I can’t blame you for what I feel. And I don’t.
I know you’re just living your life, being you, you don’t mean to be hurtful.
But your very presence pains me.
I know you’ve had the deep undying commitment before… I understand that’s not what you need nor want from me.
But unfortunately my love, though we may not have had the commitment, my feelings ran deep, hell they might even be undying.
All I know is that for all my brave talk they haven’t diminished.
So I’m just going to have to stay away from you, even more than I have.
Which seems crazy because I feel so very far removed from you now.
Monday, June 24, 2013
i wish we could go back.
i remember our very first chat.
it was a friday. you were on a train coming from nyc.
i was sitting at my desk in my office way past the time for me to leave.
you invited me over to eat that very first night.
i declined… but blew off my friends the next day and came to see you.
can i say best first date ever?
you were so very sweet with me.
it was january and cold.
you rubbed my feet. we watched law and order, ate pizza and talked.
you told me how you didn’t want to be "just friends" with someone you cared about.
you made me smile.
you touched my face and reached right through me and touched my heart in the same instant.
i lay on your chest.
we kissed and kissed for what seemed like hours.
we cuddled on the sofa.
it got late and I stayed over.
we cuddled more and fell asleep in each other's arms.
in the morning you brought me orange juice.
and fed me strawberry yogurt from your spoon.
i thought it was the single sweetest act i had ever witnessed from a man i just met.
i think i fell in love with you in that moment.
you filled me up. the thought of you grounded me.
you made me think. and feel. and laugh.
you still do.
i will always be your greatest supporter.
your biggest fan.
and as close a friend as you allow me to be.
i am not searching for perfection… just a man whose imperfections mesh with mine.
for a time i hoped that man was you.
and for a time i knew it.
how do you miss a chance at happiness if you never take the time to find it?