Sunday, July 8, 2012

The 70s... or something like it.

I've been trying to figure out where to begin this post all day. i'll just start at the beginning.

it was almost 3 in the morning. and it was a booty call.

i had spent the better part of my evening chasing a lifestyle party experience that never materialized. when i got to the man's house, let's call him Usher... when i got to Usher's house, he answered the door naked. like 70s porn star naked... no prelude. no reason.

the first thing i noticed upon entering the residence BESIDES the nekkid man was that the entire place was covered in carpet the color of cocoa powder, a dusty brown that was probably as old as me. he says "up the stairs"... i make it to the bedroom, a king size bed, dresser, chest with a TV on top. typical man room. i drop my bag and take a seat on the edge of the bed. IT RIPPLED.

A. WATER. BED. *i'll wait*

*heavy sigh* a water bed... so Usher strolls in... high yella, tall, very average penis already hard. i'm on the bed fully clothed. he asks if i mind if he smokes a joint. i'm like whatever dude it's your house. he lights up. and lays back on the bed, legs cocked open... rubs my arm and says "did you miss me?" *inner eye roll* 

(back story: he was a blind date last week. we went out for drinks. he is fairly accomplished. a 42 year old bachelor. highly recommended by someone whose opinion i value. we went for a drive while he ran errands before he left town on business and then had a few drinks. ever since then, he has been an interesting, sometimes obnoxious distraction who is a bit of a perv (which i don't mind) bordering on full of himself (which i do). he has tried to engage me in a 3some, talks about himself in the 3rd person as "Daddy" and generally makes me laugh out loud in my head with the "pimpish" voice he puts on when he talks to me. he talks so much smack that i am intrigued. but to tell you the truth, i just have no faith that the experience will be fulfilling. a friend of mine thinks differently. this night is supposed to quell our suspicions either way.)

my answer? i've only seen you one time. he says, "i guess that's a NO" *giggle* after a beat he says "suck my nipple while i smoke this. i say "i that a request or a command?" in that baby-soft-wanna-be-pimp-voice he says "always a request baby" i'm amused. i comply. from the minute i put my mouth on him HE NEVER STOPPED TALKING. not while i sucked his dick. not when he got on top of me. NEVER.

 some of the highlights...
"you ain't never had nobody fuck this pussy like Daddy"
"that's my sweet lil girl"
"you sucking that cock so good Daddy's nasty baby"
"we gonna do everything together"
"you gonna belong to me"
"you are Daddy's slut baby"
"take this cock baby"
and the thing he said about 100 times if he said it once while fucking me as slow and soft as i have ever been fucked in my life (no bueno) "when you make this dick cum you just make it HARDER"
*screaming inside*

after the fiasco, i.e. sex, i slept over. when i got up off the WATER BED to pee this morning, imagine my dismay when i saw that the bathroom was CARPETED as well!!! WTH?

so let's recap. naked greeting. smoking joint. water bed. 40 year old carpet. pimpish pillow talk.
oh, did i mention he initially wanted to "cum inside me"? WHAT? WHAT? it was a true time warp.


  1. I know you didn't make this up, but while I was reading all I could think about was an Austin Powers flick.