Apparently for the month of August I'm posting EVERY DAY because Luvvie said so...

So I was on Facebook today and as usual, I hit the link yo see what my boothang Awesomely Luvvie Ade Ratchet was talmbout... And she's challenging herself to post on her fantabulously funny blog  every single day for the month of August.

She asked fellow bloggers to join her.

I clicked the link.

I said yes.

Now I'm scurred.

http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/2013/07/31writenow-blog-challenge.html

Pray for me y'all!

Sex with the Wrong People: the Baby Daddy edition

this is a rant... i think.

yeah. i need to vent. 

i have nearly 10 year old twin boys, Kemani and Kendi. I have NOT seen or heard from their father since August 13, 2003. This was 1 month and 9 days after they were born. I did not expect twins. I thought I was having “A” baby, nevertheless two showed up.

Their father and I, at the time of their conception had known each other for 10-11 years. We had dated briefly, became very good friends who did their own thing but still bumped uglies on the semi-regular… he was first and foremost, my friend, my boy, my confidante. He and I both had been there for each other thru some rocky, real shit. When his best friend and neighbor was killed in a car accident, i left my brand-new boyfriend and ran to his side… when his big brother passed away from cancer, i held his hand at the funeral, much to his new girlfriend’s chagrin… we were TIGHT.

So when i found myself pregnant, and by him nonetheless, I knew we would work it out. Whether we were together or not. My labor on July 4th (yes), 2003 was early and unexpected, and FAST. I didn’t get a moment to call him until after they were born. He was surprised, but came to see them as soon as he heard. When I came home with the boys, he was there. He held them and changed them and talked to them… I had already chosen their names, but changed them when he asked that he and his father’s names be included… 

And then one day, he disappeared. Literally. No answering of calls. I wrote letters, I popped up at his mother’s house, his job, did internet searches, everything. Then Ifiled for child support. For almost four years I was at the court building every 6 months. He was never served. They had every bit of info that I did… 

Nevertheless, my boys have grown and flourished… one an avid reader, mannish and quick, his younger by 27 minutes brother, compassionate and empathetic, coping with learning disabilities and testing for the autism spectrum, but the sweetest kid you’ve ever met. Yes, we have had some hard times. Homelessness, financial struggles, but lots of good times, way more good than bad. but through EVERYTHING they always hunger for a father. I know this. And it is the single most heartbreaking factor of my life to this moment. I keep positive, real men in their lives. They have “uncles” who love them and keep their mom sane. But still it’s unfair to them to not have someone to call Daddy. I had a father that I knew loved me until the moment he left this earth, are my children not worthy of the same?

Last summer I ran into one of their father’s best friends and it was the catalyst for me to start digging into finding him again. I found out that he is married with 2 little girls. He and his wife are divorcing after 6 years of marriage and he has moved back home with his mom. I’m trying to remain the bigger, stronger person in all of this but I still have yet to get in contact with him. And I’ve done letters, drive-bys, the works… The court system is no help. Ten years later and he has not been served any papers. I’m so frustrated. 

And YOU want to ask WHY I'm single?

*sigh* (note the time stamps)

7:32 am

Idiot:  you up?

8:22 am

Me: I am now. 

I:  Lol... I just wanted to know if you were free now

M: Free for what? I'm barely awake.

I: To spend some time cuddling

M: You don't want to "cuddle" Idiot... Just say what you want. It's too fucking early for me to be in "decipher what this means" mode...

I: Lol.. It does start shit.. But i do want to see you.. And fuck yea i miss the other stuff. 

M: the last sentence should have been the first. You funny. "other stuff"

I: You seem frustrated with me.. We good?

M: nope. We ain't good. You resurface a full year after our few times hanging out. You claim you want to see me, I told you I was in a shitty mood but you insisted so I let you come by. You ask me did I want to go for a drive, I said sure. You attempt to molest me while you're driving, then get in YOUR feelings when I don't want to suck your dick in the car... Yet here you are not 2 months later sending messages about "cuddling" and "missing" shit when in reality all you want to do is fuck. I understand that our past interaction might have you believing I would be cool with that, but I'm not. That's not where I am right now. You want to be my friend, that's one thing but I don't need a fuck buddy. AT ALL. So miss me with the fake concern and chitchat. I see you.

I: And I'm cool with that.. But that's how i came off to you.. And that's my fault... I apologize.. That's why i thought you needed a cuddle buddy.. Lol.. I like to see you smile.

(Womp. Womp. I can't even respond... He still comes back with the "cuddle buddy" SMH)

All You Need is Faith and Trust, and A Little bit of Pixie Dust...

Sex with the wrong people rarely starts off that way, well sometimes it does, but often it's a connection, unexplainable but electric with someone whose entire being makes you feel like home. Like this is where you were meant to be all along. And when that happens, cherish it. It may be for a moment or a lifetime, but the feeling is worthy of experiencing. And then when it all comes crashing down, try to hold on to that spark... Mine is flickering. 

Like Tinkerbell in Peter Pan, we need more than one person to believe...

I wrote this to that one person. It's still untitled.

I don’t know. I really don’t. 

I understand you want to talk but…
Conversation won’t fix this. It won’t. 

It is what it is. 
I’m still your friend. I just can’t be anything else. 


And right now I can’t even be a close friend. 

I hate that I can’t do this. 
That I’m not OVER this. 

8 months later and I’m still THIS. 


I don’t know what to do with what I feel. 
So I guess I do nothing. 


Time heals all wounds. 
I haven’t waited long enough I guess. 

One day it won’t hurt, right?


I’ve spent so much energy trying to avoid being here. 


Because THIS PLACE, right here, is exactly the reason I stopped having sex with you. 


Because if I was still doing that, I’d be even MORE fucked up than I am now. 


I can’t blame you for what I feel. And I don’t. 


I know you’re just living your life, being you, you don’t mean to be hurtful. 

But your very presence pains me. 


I know you’ve had the deep undying commitment before… I understand that’s not what you need nor want from me. 


But unfortunately my love, though we may not have had the commitment, my feelings ran deep, hell they might even be undying.

All I know is that for all my brave talk they haven’t diminished. 


So I’m just going to have to stay away from you, even more than I have. 

Which seems crazy because I feel so very far removed from you now.

Poetry as Memory.

Hindsight...

i wish we could go back.


i remember our very first chat.


it was a friday.
 you were on a train coming from nyc.


i was sitting at my desk in my office way past the time for me to leave.


you invited me over to eat that very first night.


i declined… but blew off my friends the next day and came to see you.

can i say best first date ever?



you were so very sweet with me. 

it was january and cold. 


you rubbed my feet. we watched law and order, ate pizza and talked. 


you told me how you didn’t want to be "just friends" with someone you cared about.


you made me smile.


you touched my face and reached right through me and touched my heart in the same instant.


i lay on your chest.

we kissed and kissed for what seemed like hours.


we cuddled on the sofa. 

it got late and I stayed over.

we cuddled more and fell asleep in each other's arms. 


in the morning you brought me orange juice.


and fed me strawberry yogurt from your spoon.


i thought it was the single sweetest act i had ever witnessed from a man i just met.



i think i fell in love with you in that moment.



you filled me up. the thought of you grounded me.


you made me think. and feel. and laugh.


you still do.



i will always be your greatest supporter.


your biggest fan.


and as close a friend as you allow me to be.


i am not searching for perfection… 
just a man whose imperfections mesh with mine.


for a time i hoped that man was you.


and for a time i knew it.



how do you miss a chance at happiness if you never take the time to find it?


New Endeavors

I'm on a new warm weather adventure.

Dating.

Yes, dating. No sex with new men. And I'm using a traditional dating site to aid me in my quest as opposed to my usual raunchy "hookup" site.

I've been doing this for about two months now. Nothing earth shattering to report. Yet. 

Lunchtime Liaison...

(I wrote this back in September but never posted it. I didn't think it fit the blog because it wasn't a bad experience. But upon reconsideration, and the advent of a sequel just this past weekend, I'm posting... Stay tuned.)

Can I just say... I am way too mellow after my lunchtime rendezvous? Whoa! I haven't seen dude since last November/December and I swear I must have forgotten how phenomenal his pussy eating skills are...

First of all we have been flirtily texting, sexting and exchanging pics for about a month or so now. Stoking the embers so to speak. I really thought the shit was dead because that's right around the time his Facebook status changed. To "in a relationship with..."

When I first met him he was in the midst of a divorce. That was April/May 2011. We had the best first date EVER and went out a few times after that. He ate me out a couple times and I reciprocated. One memorable session after a dinner date, outside my house, in his truck until like 5 o'clock in the morning when he had to go straight to work on base. Had me cumming back to back for hours. So needless to say, I liked him, a little young but career military and very much a man. But his wife had been his high school love, they'd been together since he was 19 and she was 16, 12-13 years, 3 kids and a LOT of drama, so he was struggling. Then he fell off the grid.

Fast forward to late last fall, we got reacquainted and we both were eager/pressed to get it on! So post-divorce we did just that. On a semi- regular basis for weeks. And it was G.O.O.D. The holidays/new year/caused us to lose touch again. I got involved with some new extracurricular lifestyle activities which I shared with him via stories and pics but we couldn't seem to hook up again until now.

So back to today, like I said, I have been sending provocative shots to him for weeks. Last night he texted that he wants to be my "boy toy, sex toy, sex slave" I cannot say i wasn't tingling at the thought... All of a sudden he's like " I need to see you today. Where are you? " to make a long story short, the foreplay was his fingers in my pussy and my mouth on his dick while he's driving to my house. We park out front of my house in the middle of a sunny afternoon, climb into the back of the SUV and he proceeded to eat me out for an hour straight. My box was running like a faucet... I felt each wave build up and splash out of my pussy, gushing onto the floor of his truck. He kept saying "oh my god, I love it, I don't want to stop..." and I didn't want him to either.

We have another date for lunch tomorrow. Guess who's on the menu?