All You Need is Faith and Trust, and A Little bit of Pixie Dust...

Sex with the wrong people rarely starts off that way, well sometimes it does, but often it's a connection, unexplainable but electric with someone whose entire being makes you feel like home. Like this is where you were meant to be all along. And when that happens, cherish it. It may be for a moment or a lifetime, but the feeling is worthy of experiencing. And then when it all comes crashing down, try to hold on to that spark... Mine is flickering. 

Like Tinkerbell in Peter Pan, we need more than one person to believe...

I wrote this to that one person. It's still untitled.

I don’t know. I really don’t. 

I understand you want to talk but…
Conversation won’t fix this. It won’t. 

It is what it is. 
I’m still your friend. I just can’t be anything else. 


And right now I can’t even be a close friend. 

I hate that I can’t do this. 
That I’m not OVER this. 

8 months later and I’m still THIS. 


I don’t know what to do with what I feel. 
So I guess I do nothing. 


Time heals all wounds. 
I haven’t waited long enough I guess. 

One day it won’t hurt, right?


I’ve spent so much energy trying to avoid being here. 


Because THIS PLACE, right here, is exactly the reason I stopped having sex with you. 


Because if I was still doing that, I’d be even MORE fucked up than I am now. 


I can’t blame you for what I feel. And I don’t. 


I know you’re just living your life, being you, you don’t mean to be hurtful. 

But your very presence pains me. 


I know you’ve had the deep undying commitment before… I understand that’s not what you need nor want from me. 


But unfortunately my love, though we may not have had the commitment, my feelings ran deep, hell they might even be undying.

All I know is that for all my brave talk they haven’t diminished. 


So I’m just going to have to stay away from you, even more than I have. 

Which seems crazy because I feel so very far removed from you now.

Poetry as Memory.

Hindsight...

i wish we could go back.


i remember our very first chat.


it was a friday.
 you were on a train coming from nyc.


i was sitting at my desk in my office way past the time for me to leave.


you invited me over to eat that very first night.


i declined… but blew off my friends the next day and came to see you.

can i say best first date ever?



you were so very sweet with me. 

it was january and cold. 


you rubbed my feet. we watched law and order, ate pizza and talked. 


you told me how you didn’t want to be "just friends" with someone you cared about.


you made me smile.


you touched my face and reached right through me and touched my heart in the same instant.


i lay on your chest.

we kissed and kissed for what seemed like hours.


we cuddled on the sofa. 

it got late and I stayed over.

we cuddled more and fell asleep in each other's arms. 


in the morning you brought me orange juice.


and fed me strawberry yogurt from your spoon.


i thought it was the single sweetest act i had ever witnessed from a man i just met.



i think i fell in love with you in that moment.



you filled me up. the thought of you grounded me.


you made me think. and feel. and laugh.


you still do.



i will always be your greatest supporter.


your biggest fan.


and as close a friend as you allow me to be.


i am not searching for perfection… 
just a man whose imperfections mesh with mine.


for a time i hoped that man was you.


and for a time i knew it.



how do you miss a chance at happiness if you never take the time to find it?


New Endeavors

I'm on a new warm weather adventure.

Dating.

Yes, dating. No sex with new men. And I'm using a traditional dating site to aid me in my quest as opposed to my usual raunchy "hookup" site.

I've been doing this for about two months now. Nothing earth shattering to report. Yet. 

Lunchtime Liaison...

(I wrote this back in September but never posted it. I didn't think it fit the blog because it wasn't a bad experience. But upon reconsideration, and the advent of a sequel just this past weekend, I'm posting... Stay tuned.)

Can I just say... I am way too mellow after my lunchtime rendezvous? Whoa! I haven't seen dude since last November/December and I swear I must have forgotten how phenomenal his pussy eating skills are...

First of all we have been flirtily texting, sexting and exchanging pics for about a month or so now. Stoking the embers so to speak. I really thought the shit was dead because that's right around the time his Facebook status changed. To "in a relationship with..."

When I first met him he was in the midst of a divorce. That was April/May 2011. We had the best first date EVER and went out a few times after that. He ate me out a couple times and I reciprocated. One memorable session after a dinner date, outside my house, in his truck until like 5 o'clock in the morning when he had to go straight to work on base. Had me cumming back to back for hours. So needless to say, I liked him, a little young but career military and very much a man. But his wife had been his high school love, they'd been together since he was 19 and she was 16, 12-13 years, 3 kids and a LOT of drama, so he was struggling. Then he fell off the grid.

Fast forward to late last fall, we got reacquainted and we both were eager/pressed to get it on! So post-divorce we did just that. On a semi- regular basis for weeks. And it was G.O.O.D. The holidays/new year/caused us to lose touch again. I got involved with some new extracurricular lifestyle activities which I shared with him via stories and pics but we couldn't seem to hook up again until now.

So back to today, like I said, I have been sending provocative shots to him for weeks. Last night he texted that he wants to be my "boy toy, sex toy, sex slave" I cannot say i wasn't tingling at the thought... All of a sudden he's like " I need to see you today. Where are you? " to make a long story short, the foreplay was his fingers in my pussy and my mouth on his dick while he's driving to my house. We park out front of my house in the middle of a sunny afternoon, climb into the back of the SUV and he proceeded to eat me out for an hour straight. My box was running like a faucet... I felt each wave build up and splash out of my pussy, gushing onto the floor of his truck. He kept saying "oh my god, I love it, I don't want to stop..." and I didn't want him to either.

We have another date for lunch tomorrow. Guess who's on the menu?

When I think about myself...

(^^^^ is also the title of a poem by Maya Angelou that I love.)

Every single day we should learn something new about ourselves. And sometimes that knowledge is small and other times it can be a huge revelation. I just realized something pretty fucking huge about myself in the last ten minutes.

I was reading the blog of a friend. A dude I once had a pretty close friendship/sexual relationship with. He's now married. While perusing his blog I realized I am the Queen of lamenting some shit I never had especially when it comes to men. If your life has moved forward (or backward for that matter) I can find a way to make that shit about me. He may never know, but I will ponder the facets of our relationship to the point of obsession most of the time. Who does that? What does that say about the obsessive nature of my romantic relationships? Why can't I let go of shit in my head long after the music has stopped? How is this NOT preparing me for a love my own?

I'm guessing it kind of makes me one of those wrong people to have sex with... That my dear readers is called IRONY.

This. Is. My. Life. (Black men version)

yeah, this is gonna be a bit of a ramble.  hang if you can hang.

i have a problem with sleeping. it has to do with the depression. i know. but anynoodle, i either sleep hardly at all OR fall into this coma-like state with really vivid dreams and wake up once i escape it. Friday morning was the latter.  i woke up and it was light outside.  never good. i realized i left every wearable pair of pants in the washing machine last night and…. yeah, fell asleep.  so i get up put clothes in the dryer. pull the twins uniforms together, pick up my cell to check the weather. dead. yeah i didn’t plug it in last night. this is shaping up to be a rock star morning for the kid.

plug the damn phone in and immediately get a text at 7 am from a dude i haven’t gotten a text from in at least 3 months. just “good morning”

i shoot back. “you text about once every 3 months. but you never call. i don’t get it.”

(backstory: known him at least 8 years, maybe 10. decent guy. had sex once. been known to have a semi-sextual flirtation in the past.  had begun to kick it rather regularly about a year ago then he fell off the planet.)

he texts back: i know, i’m sorry. work and school.

then 2nd text: could you send a pic?

*RECORD SCRATCH*

dude? really? you are hitting me up at 7 in the morning hoping to get a pic of my boobs or snatch to get your day started? really? grown men. is there where we are??? but i digress… i simply texted back: “there is free porn all over the net. get you some of that. thanks.”

But still, i’m having a lovely day.  pull jeans from the dryer. fluff the untwisted twisties. get the kids to school.  make it to the office (i.e., Starbucks at the corner of 7th and H streets, Chinatown) order my Refresh tea and break-fast sammie. (the toffeenut breve latte last night on a empty stomach is playing havoc w/ my insides so no coffee) settle in and get a call from a PRIVATE NUMBER.

only two people call me from private numbers… both have women who live w/ them. one is married. I say hello. it’s the married one.

me: Hey A—-n.

him: What’s up trouble?

me: Nothing. and why i gotta be trouble?

him: You don’t have to do anything, you just are.

me: *chuckle*

him: Where are you?

me: Starbucks. Chinatown.

him: Well, i’m in traffic right now but i have to do something in the city. can i call you in an hour?

me: sure.

harmless conversation, right? this one right here? (backstory: me and A—-n used to have a LOT of sex. i met him online probably 1999/2000 and we hooked up strictly to fuck. kinda kinky. very verbal. serious sex. he’s kind of an asshole. a little arrogant. extremely cocky. but we never had a relationship beyond the sex. he does some type of uber military work, he used to fly helicopters and get sent all over the world to these remote locations doing god knows what but fucking every woman he came in contact with but always managed to stay in touch with me. calling me from international locations and telling me his exploits. perpetual bachelor. ridiculous attitude but funny and charming in his own way. the last time he came back home from overseas he came to my birthday party. this was 2 years ago or so. we have since evolved into just friends. we haven’t had sex in at least 4 years but he’s my boy. oh, when he came to my party, he gave me a ride home and told me he was married.  the wife is from … oh, i forget central Africa somewhere, can’t remember the country… but i was way surprised.  i never even heard this man talk about anyone he CARED about enough to do anything resembling getting married. but whatever. now he’s married. with two little boys. 4 and 2 i think. and he always calls from private numbers and does nothing but complain about his marriage. it is so typical and hilarious.)

and i suppose we’re having lunch. if he calls back. LOL

OOOOHHHHH and the baby father has resurfaced after no contact for a month because i have been “giving his pussy away”. Dude? we haven’t had sex since 2008.

2008.

Is This the Zombie Apocalypse? Nope, Just Season of the "Cuff"

Y'all heard about "cuffing season"? Apparently it's all the rage among the in-the-know Tweeters and the like. It is described as the phenomena that occurs when the weather begins to cool and the people that have been getting their whore on all summer decide that it's time to settle down and get a winter boo-thang...

I dismissed it. I really did. MISTAKE.

In the past 10 days, I have received emails, text messages, naked pics, phone calls and Voxers from no less than 8 men that I haven't heard anything from for anywhere from 6 months to over a year. All on some old "I need to see you" mantra... It is almost like something from one of those Twilight Zone episodes. In my mind I see them crawling out of fresh graves, staggering to my doorstep.

I mean really... What is it about me that says "Hey dude that I had a few conversations/a drink/an interesting online chat with X amount of months ago. Please contact me and attempt to pick up exactly where you left off with zero amount of interest from me."??? It's kinda insane. No. Scratch that. It's totally insane.