Not about that Life(style)...

(I have totally abandoned this blog. I'm sorry.
And when I ventured back to the dark side this morning, I had this story waiting in my drafts.
I had never posted it. 
Two years later, enjoy!)

I love sex. Any man or woman that has had sex with me (or near me for that matter... lol) can attest to my vigor and enthusiasm for sexual activity.
I talk about it.
I'm not ashamed of it.
If you ask me a sexually related question you may be surprised by my candor.

Yes, I've had sexual relations with women. 

Yes, I've attended a swing party. 

Yes, I have an abundance of friends in the lifestyle. 

Yes, yes, YES!

With that being said, JUST BECAUSE I MAY BE MORE SEXUALLY FREE THAN THE OTHER CHICK DON'T ASSUME I WANT TO PARTAKE IN YOUR HOMEGROWN SWING (read: SEX) PARTY.

Soooo, last night, a recent partner, J, calls me. 

"Have you ever been to a swing party."

Me: yes

J: would you like to go to one with me tonight?

Me: nope

J: it's not really a swing party. It's more like a couples thing. Me and my man Squirrel (yes.) we know this white boy who got this big ass mansion out Calvert County. So it'd be like the white dude and his wife, Squirrel and his girl, another couple or two, and my man hit me up and asked did I have anybody I could bring...

Me: and your first thought was me?

J: well yeah...

Me: *heavy sigh*

J: what's all that for???

Me: so for weeks you've been telling me how much you MISS spending time with me, have been doing nothing but working so you have no time to take me out, how you really see yourself FALLING for me... Yet the moment you have some free time, you want me to be your plus one at some bootleg sex party?  Yeah ok.

J: you're right. We have spent no time together... I just thought you might wanna get your pussy eaten by a woman...

Me: you looking out for me huh?

J: yeah!

Me: bye J. 

I spent my Friday night cuddled up with a bottle of wine and a book. Awesome threesome!

Hypothetically.

So even if you're feeling comfortably frisky and tipsy on a first date, do NOT under any circumstances, either real or imagined, give your date head in the car afterwards.

Yes, you are both adults, and yes, it might be fun and a little risqué, but from that point on whenever you get in his car he will (more than likely) automatically expect some kind of sexual favor. 

A conditioned response to you sitting your ass in his car. 

Like Pavlov's dog... 

Even if you've just gone to IHOP and had a totally pleasant breakfast, with coffee and conversation, once you return to the car, he might just reach over and try to pull up your skirt. Or attempt to place your own hand on your own crotch and ask you to "massage it." 

He may even try to put your hand on his dick while he's driving. 

And even if you tell him "Look dude, I know I created this shit. Where you see me as the sex in the car chick... But it's uber awkward and not in the least bit sexy." 

At 11:00 in the morning. 

In broad daylight.

He might even say he gets it and asks you to ride with him to the golf pro shop to return a club but somehow then proceeds to drive you to a remote location like a park where he stops the car and attempts to pull you closer. You could possibly resist while explaining to him yet again, why this shit ain't going down. And he could be pretending to hear what you are saying while he deliberately unzips his pants..

Yep. That could happen.

But you know what else might happen?

You could take one look at him and his raging hard on sticking out of his jeans, and burst out laughing until tears are leaking from your eyes. 

Then and only then might he finally get himself together enough to immediately drive you home.

In total silence.

That could happen too.

Punctuation problems.

This post will be short. 

Online Dating Tip. 

Use periods, commas, question marks and exclamation points.

Please.

It was Written

There is nothing quite as sweet or endearing as handwritten words on a page... Even more so when the writer has unexpectedly jumpstarted your cold, unsentimental heart. I was going through my chest of drawers today and found this gem. The words mattered far less than the sentiment, but I was smitten.

3/14/12

Dear H-----,

In my attempt to get all up in your drawers, I am sending you a short note. (Also my phone is busted) Indeed our relationship has taken off in a great way. Quite unexpectedly honestly. Yes, you are a sexy woman and your audition was very persuasive but it was more. Perhaps it is your sense of humor, which allows you to laugh at most of my hilarious jokes. Perhaps it is the explosive connection (your words) that you and I share which allows us to have fruitful conversations regularly... Very regularly.

Regardless it appears in the midst of our somewhat unorthodox love lives, we have found places for each other. I can't really call it but I do like it. I look forward to spending time with you. Getting our eyes and hands (etc.) on each other will tell a lot. It may define our relationship better or not, but I know it will satisfy this curiosity and allow two friends to finally meet and take it from there.

Excited,

M-------

Retrograde

I don't know if Mercury is in retrograde or Venus has a heavy influence in my chart... But I happened upon a former "I don't know what to call him" pics on Facebook. 

And it shifted something in my soul. 

We shared THE BEST KISSES. I needed to put that somewhere... 

The Last Kiss

I see your picture

Your smile

And realize that  

You're the last person I kissed

The last person I kissed

The last

The last person I kissed

With passion

And purpose

And love

The last person I kissed

That made my heart skip a beat

And my breath catch in my throat

And my smile begin from the inside

The last person I kissed

Whose voice touched every part of me

Whose laugh I felt was just for me

Whose smile made my day, every day

A kiss?

Just a kiss you say

Never just a kiss

Intimate and telling

Your energy breathing into mine

Creating a place for emotions

To blossom and grow

Setting the stage for connection

For knowledge beyond the physical

For now and for always

The last person I kissed

With passion

And purpose

And love

You're the last person I kissed

The last person I kissed

The last

The last person I kissed

And meant it

I miss your kiss

©Hatiná Netsai 11-16-2013 

Poetry as Reality.

The Angst

I so want to believe in you

But I’ve been wrong before...

This giddy

This lust

This tumble

This roll

The smile that starts in my stomach

When your voice is in my ear

Awakening to thoughts

Of eyes that turn to lips that turn to hands that

Touch me in places

Real and imagined

Until

It really

Happens again

This happy

This dance

This saunter

This fall

Oh this delicious fall into the lilt of voice

And the way your tongue moves me

Light on your skin

And joy in your step translating to joy in my heart

A rush to be near

To hear and listen like never before

A connection

A chance to be more

This sunshine

This light

This joyous

This free

Soaring on clouds

And walking on air

From untethered dreams

And shortness of breath

And then

Shortness of call

And brevity of conversation

And hope to doubt

And promise to pessimism

And a universe shift

That sends me flailing

Sliding into an uncertainty that was rock solid what seems like

Moments

Before

And before and before

Becomes

I felt and I had

When all I want

Is I have and I know and I feel

And I love

You

And you are now

This hurtful

This pain

This ugly

This scab

This hump of a thing to get over

No longer light

Nor right

Nor just

Because I have been here before

And I want to believe in you

Just believe

In what I feel

And trust

In what you say

And show

But…

Yeah.


Online Dating: Snapshot

What do I do with this?

Let Me Holla At You... Let Me Holla At You

So I wore THIS romper today and there was almost an altercation on Benning Rd between two gentlemen trying to get first, my attention and consequently, my number... 

(The pic is used as a point of reference... Lots of leg and thigh meat on display, but not raunchy.

 Say hi to my Granny and my daughters...)

I was coming out of the corner store with my Dr. Pepper and Dude number one was like hey can I talk to you... I said you ARE talking... He says can I text your phone? I said how old are you? He says 25... I say you're a little too young for me.... He then begins to plead his case...

Meanwhile, Dude number two just slides up, (looks at me) Man, I'm 47 years old. (Takes off his cap) I don't look 47 do I? (Approaches dude number one) Young dude you can't do nothing for her... You can't even buy her a cold soda! (Looks at me) Ain't that right sweetheart? 

I said, UhUh don't put me in it... 

The youngin was like you need to back back partner... The older guy was like you ain't holding me up, imma step to her soon as she turn you down... Young boy was like you mad disrespectful... Number two was all you ain't shit to disrespect mufukka! ... They were going back and forth and it was getting HEATED!

I said "ooh here's my bus."  And got on that joint. Cracking up...

So now I'm at home changing my clothes. Ain't nobody got time for that.

The crazy thing was that the older dude was way more out of line than the young guy... Who walks up to two people you don't know trying to talk to one and carry the other? He needed a hug or something!

What in the hell? 

Morning Creep

My name is Hatiná.

Today is Friday, August 16, 2013.

It's 6:47 am.

I have a story. 

Yesterday I deleted my POF profile and created a new one. New name, new pics etc. I had to shake off the cray cray that had been creeping into my messages of late... So I get up early this morning to pee and see a message from a dude that I was supposed to have got in contact with a couple weeks ago. He had expressed how he didn't want to just talk online and had left his home number for me to use at my discretion. I had every intention of calling, but somehow never got around to it. It's now about 6 am. 

The message reads, "hey there what's your number?" 

Since we have already chatted before and it is the ass crack of dawn, I send the number. 

I cannot type when I'm half sleep, it annoys me. 

He then sends another message, "you available this morning?"

I pause. "To talk? Sure."

Him: "Boooooo"

Me: "Boo? Really? Just use the number. It's too early to be typing."

He doesn't respond. I wait a few minutes then roll over to go back to my early morning slumber.  

Of course as soon as me and my pillow get back on good terms, the phone rings...

"Hello"

Him: "you happy now?"

Me: "you asked for the number dear. Good morning."

He laughs.

He's like "well I asked to see you this morning and you just want to talk on the phone..."

What?

I say "First of all you asked was I available this morning. I said yes, TO TALK... Secondly, it's like 6:30 am. I'm in the bed. And why are you trying to meet me so early?"

Him: "well I have to work later just wanted to see you before then. Do you drive?"

Me: "no."

Him: " I don't have a problem coming to get you. I need to run to Walmart to take care of something really important. But that's about it. What time were you getting up?"

Me: "I don't know. Not now. But if you wanted to go to breakfast or something, I could get up around 8."

Him: "We'll I don't know about breakfast. You could just come over to my house and we chill, you know, party. If you like what you see and I like what I see then we just go from there.. we could fix a little lunch a little dinner (!!!) and then I could bring you back around 8 before I got to work at 9."

Okay.

Before I get to my response to this box full of shenanigans, lets break this down...

You. Stranger dude.

Want me to get up out of MY bed at the ass crack of morning. Ride with you to Walmart.  Where I don't have to come in. ( yes I skipped that part of the sparkling conversation)

Then go back home with you. In your car. Basically give you permission to kidnap me.

Where you have EVERY intention of fucking. (I'm slow, it took me a minute)

And this sex? It's supposed to last ALL DAY LONG because in your grand plan you are dropping me back home at EIGHT O'CLOCK AT NIGHT!

Seriously? 

And..... We're back.

Me: "wait, what?"

Him: "what's wrong?"

Me: "what's right? You are expecting me to come to your house and take off my clothes? No intentions on doing ANYTHING like that."

Him: "I mean, we both grown. If we blend, yeah, I mean, we ain't on e-harmony or something..."

Me: "Nigga it aint a sex site either"

Him: " well you expecting me to come and get you JUST TO MEET? That's a long way for meeting somebody, I mean, we grown..."

Me: "And because you offered to come and get me because you WANT some ass, I should be GIVING you some ass because you came to get me? If you only knew how fucking crazy you sound. Boy, get the fuck off my phone please!"

Him: "so you don't want to see if we blend? I mean, if we don't, we could just be straight up..."

Me: "Straighten your damn self up, you lunatic..."

And I pressed END.

I'm never going to find a man.

I'm going back to bed. 

Donut Shop and the Attack of the PopPop

Yesterday, I'm sitting in Dunkin Donuts on 14th and U Streets NW. Sipping a strawberry Coolatta and tapping away on the iPad trying to plot my next Friday "move". All of a sudden I hear, "You can stop texting him, I'm right here." I pause. And feel someone standing over me... I'm like, "WHAT!?!?" and look up at Morgan Freeman's older brother... Gray nostril hairs waving at me.

Seriously?

Dude, excuse me I'm being disrespectful.
SIR, you are old enough to be my grandfather. And both of them are dead. I KNOW you didn't just show up over here trying to Mack!

Then he and his boy (man? gentleman? idk) proceed to sit down next to me and have a heated and lively discussion about which of them was the bigger "playa". Somebody come and get your great-uncles... The subject of the conversation then turned to their friend who wasn't there, Dee. "Dee ain't a playa no more. That nigga in love." I hope so! Who wants to be nearly 70 years old out here still hitting on unsuspecting women in the donut shop? Oh. Y'all do. My bad.

I don't know what it is with me and the PopPops... PopPop is my name for any man over the age of 60 still trying to holla. I really think it's the natural hair. Old men are forever hitting me with "Hey Sister", "You wearing that hair baby"... I must remind them of a better time. A younger self. Applejack hats and leather pea coats... Lots of polyester... Full heads of hair and teeth that weren't convertible...

Meeting quality men is a challenge, but I haven't started trolling for senior citizens. Yet. 

Apparently for the month of August I'm posting EVERY DAY because Luvvie said so...

So I was on Facebook today and as usual, I hit the link yo see what my boothang Awesomely Luvvie Ade Ratchet was talmbout... And she's challenging herself to post on her fantabulously funny blog  every single day for the month of August.

She asked fellow bloggers to join her.

I clicked the link.

I said yes.

Now I'm scurred.

http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com/2013/07/31writenow-blog-challenge.html

Pray for me y'all!

Sex with the Wrong People: the Baby Daddy edition

this is a rant... i think.

yeah. i need to vent. 

i have nearly 10 year old twin boys, Kemani and Kendi. I have NOT seen or heard from their father since August 13, 2003. This was 1 month and 9 days after they were born. I did not expect twins. I thought I was having “A” baby, nevertheless two showed up.

Their father and I, at the time of their conception had known each other for 10-11 years. We had dated briefly, became very good friends who did their own thing but still bumped uglies on the semi-regular… he was first and foremost, my friend, my boy, my confidante. He and I both had been there for each other thru some rocky, real shit. When his best friend and neighbor was killed in a car accident, i left my brand-new boyfriend and ran to his side… when his big brother passed away from cancer, i held his hand at the funeral, much to his new girlfriend’s chagrin… we were TIGHT.

So when i found myself pregnant, and by him nonetheless, I knew we would work it out. Whether we were together or not. My labor on July 4th (yes), 2003 was early and unexpected, and FAST. I didn’t get a moment to call him until after they were born. He was surprised, but came to see them as soon as he heard. When I came home with the boys, he was there. He held them and changed them and talked to them… I had already chosen their names, but changed them when he asked that he and his father’s names be included… 

And then one day, he disappeared. Literally. No answering of calls. I wrote letters, I popped up at his mother’s house, his job, did internet searches, everything. Then Ifiled for child support. For almost four years I was at the court building every 6 months. He was never served. They had every bit of info that I did… 

Nevertheless, my boys have grown and flourished… one an avid reader, mannish and quick, his younger by 27 minutes brother, compassionate and empathetic, coping with learning disabilities and testing for the autism spectrum, but the sweetest kid you’ve ever met. Yes, we have had some hard times. Homelessness, financial struggles, but lots of good times, way more good than bad. but through EVERYTHING they always hunger for a father. I know this. And it is the single most heartbreaking factor of my life to this moment. I keep positive, real men in their lives. They have “uncles” who love them and keep their mom sane. But still it’s unfair to them to not have someone to call Daddy. I had a father that I knew loved me until the moment he left this earth, are my children not worthy of the same?

Last summer I ran into one of their father’s best friends and it was the catalyst for me to start digging into finding him again. I found out that he is married with 2 little girls. He and his wife are divorcing after 6 years of marriage and he has moved back home with his mom. I’m trying to remain the bigger, stronger person in all of this but I still have yet to get in contact with him. And I’ve done letters, drive-bys, the works… The court system is no help. Ten years later and he has not been served any papers. I’m so frustrated. 

And YOU want to ask WHY I'm single?

*sigh* (note the time stamps)

7:32 am

Idiot:  you up?

8:22 am

Me: I am now. 

I:  Lol... I just wanted to know if you were free now

M: Free for what? I'm barely awake.

I: To spend some time cuddling

M: You don't want to "cuddle" Idiot... Just say what you want. It's too fucking early for me to be in "decipher what this means" mode...

I: Lol.. It does start shit.. But i do want to see you.. And fuck yea i miss the other stuff. 

M: the last sentence should have been the first. You funny. "other stuff"

I: You seem frustrated with me.. We good?

M: nope. We ain't good. You resurface a full year after our few times hanging out. You claim you want to see me, I told you I was in a shitty mood but you insisted so I let you come by. You ask me did I want to go for a drive, I said sure. You attempt to molest me while you're driving, then get in YOUR feelings when I don't want to suck your dick in the car... Yet here you are not 2 months later sending messages about "cuddling" and "missing" shit when in reality all you want to do is fuck. I understand that our past interaction might have you believing I would be cool with that, but I'm not. That's not where I am right now. You want to be my friend, that's one thing but I don't need a fuck buddy. AT ALL. So miss me with the fake concern and chitchat. I see you.

I: And I'm cool with that.. But that's how i came off to you.. And that's my fault... I apologize.. That's why i thought you needed a cuddle buddy.. Lol.. I like to see you smile.

(Womp. Womp. I can't even respond... He still comes back with the "cuddle buddy" SMH)

All You Need is Faith and Trust, and A Little bit of Pixie Dust...

Sex with the wrong people rarely starts off that way, well sometimes it does, but often it's a connection, unexplainable but electric with someone whose entire being makes you feel like home. Like this is where you were meant to be all along. And when that happens, cherish it. It may be for a moment or a lifetime, but the feeling is worthy of experiencing. And then when it all comes crashing down, try to hold on to that spark... Mine is flickering. 

Like Tinkerbell in Peter Pan, we need more than one person to believe...

I wrote this to that one person. It's still untitled.

I don’t know. I really don’t. 

I understand you want to talk but…
Conversation won’t fix this. It won’t. 

It is what it is. 
I’m still your friend. I just can’t be anything else. 


And right now I can’t even be a close friend. 

I hate that I can’t do this. 
That I’m not OVER this. 

8 months later and I’m still THIS. 


I don’t know what to do with what I feel. 
So I guess I do nothing. 


Time heals all wounds. 
I haven’t waited long enough I guess. 

One day it won’t hurt, right?


I’ve spent so much energy trying to avoid being here. 


Because THIS PLACE, right here, is exactly the reason I stopped having sex with you. 


Because if I was still doing that, I’d be even MORE fucked up than I am now. 


I can’t blame you for what I feel. And I don’t. 


I know you’re just living your life, being you, you don’t mean to be hurtful. 

But your very presence pains me. 


I know you’ve had the deep undying commitment before… I understand that’s not what you need nor want from me. 


But unfortunately my love, though we may not have had the commitment, my feelings ran deep, hell they might even be undying.

All I know is that for all my brave talk they haven’t diminished. 


So I’m just going to have to stay away from you, even more than I have. 

Which seems crazy because I feel so very far removed from you now.

Poetry as Memory.

Hindsight...

i wish we could go back.


i remember our very first chat.


it was a friday.
 you were on a train coming from nyc.


i was sitting at my desk in my office way past the time for me to leave.


you invited me over to eat that very first night.


i declined… but blew off my friends the next day and came to see you.

can i say best first date ever?



you were so very sweet with me. 

it was january and cold. 


you rubbed my feet. we watched law and order, ate pizza and talked. 


you told me how you didn’t want to be "just friends" with someone you cared about.


you made me smile.


you touched my face and reached right through me and touched my heart in the same instant.


i lay on your chest.

we kissed and kissed for what seemed like hours.


we cuddled on the sofa. 

it got late and I stayed over.

we cuddled more and fell asleep in each other's arms. 


in the morning you brought me orange juice.


and fed me strawberry yogurt from your spoon.


i thought it was the single sweetest act i had ever witnessed from a man i just met.



i think i fell in love with you in that moment.



you filled me up. the thought of you grounded me.


you made me think. and feel. and laugh.


you still do.



i will always be your greatest supporter.


your biggest fan.


and as close a friend as you allow me to be.


i am not searching for perfection… 
just a man whose imperfections mesh with mine.


for a time i hoped that man was you.


and for a time i knew it.



how do you miss a chance at happiness if you never take the time to find it?


New Endeavors

I'm on a new warm weather adventure.

Dating.

Yes, dating. No sex with new men. And I'm using a traditional dating site to aid me in my quest as opposed to my usual raunchy "hookup" site.

I've been doing this for about two months now. Nothing earth shattering to report. Yet. 

Lunchtime Liaison...

(I wrote this back in September but never posted it. I didn't think it fit the blog because it wasn't a bad experience. But upon reconsideration, and the advent of a sequel just this past weekend, I'm posting... Stay tuned.)

Can I just say... I am way too mellow after my lunchtime rendezvous? Whoa! I haven't seen dude since last November/December and I swear I must have forgotten how phenomenal his pussy eating skills are...

First of all we have been flirtily texting, sexting and exchanging pics for about a month or so now. Stoking the embers so to speak. I really thought the shit was dead because that's right around the time his Facebook status changed. To "in a relationship with..."

When I first met him he was in the midst of a divorce. That was April/May 2011. We had the best first date EVER and went out a few times after that. He ate me out a couple times and I reciprocated. One memorable session after a dinner date, outside my house, in his truck until like 5 o'clock in the morning when he had to go straight to work on base. Had me cumming back to back for hours. So needless to say, I liked him, a little young but career military and very much a man. But his wife had been his high school love, they'd been together since he was 19 and she was 16, 12-13 years, 3 kids and a LOT of drama, so he was struggling. Then he fell off the grid.

Fast forward to late last fall, we got reacquainted and we both were eager/pressed to get it on! So post-divorce we did just that. On a semi- regular basis for weeks. And it was G.O.O.D. The holidays/new year/caused us to lose touch again. I got involved with some new extracurricular lifestyle activities which I shared with him via stories and pics but we couldn't seem to hook up again until now.

So back to today, like I said, I have been sending provocative shots to him for weeks. Last night he texted that he wants to be my "boy toy, sex toy, sex slave" I cannot say i wasn't tingling at the thought... All of a sudden he's like " I need to see you today. Where are you? " to make a long story short, the foreplay was his fingers in my pussy and my mouth on his dick while he's driving to my house. We park out front of my house in the middle of a sunny afternoon, climb into the back of the SUV and he proceeded to eat me out for an hour straight. My box was running like a faucet... I felt each wave build up and splash out of my pussy, gushing onto the floor of his truck. He kept saying "oh my god, I love it, I don't want to stop..." and I didn't want him to either.

We have another date for lunch tomorrow. Guess who's on the menu?

When I think about myself...

(^^^^ is also the title of a poem by Maya Angelou that I love.)

Every single day we should learn something new about ourselves. And sometimes that knowledge is small and other times it can be a huge revelation. I just realized something pretty fucking huge about myself in the last ten minutes.

I was reading the blog of a friend. A dude I once had a pretty close friendship/sexual relationship with. He's now married. While perusing his blog I realized I am the Queen of lamenting some shit I never had especially when it comes to men. If your life has moved forward (or backward for that matter) I can find a way to make that shit about me. He may never know, but I will ponder the facets of our relationship to the point of obsession most of the time. Who does that? What does that say about the obsessive nature of my romantic relationships? Why can't I let go of shit in my head long after the music has stopped? How is this NOT preparing me for a love my own?

I'm guessing it kind of makes me one of those wrong people to have sex with... That my dear readers is called IRONY.

This. Is. My. Life. (Black men version)

yeah, this is gonna be a bit of a ramble.  hang if you can hang.

i have a problem with sleeping. it has to do with the depression. i know. but anynoodle, i either sleep hardly at all OR fall into this coma-like state with really vivid dreams and wake up once i escape it. Friday morning was the latter.  i woke up and it was light outside.  never good. i realized i left every wearable pair of pants in the washing machine last night and…. yeah, fell asleep.  so i get up put clothes in the dryer. pull the twins uniforms together, pick up my cell to check the weather. dead. yeah i didn’t plug it in last night. this is shaping up to be a rock star morning for the kid.

plug the damn phone in and immediately get a text at 7 am from a dude i haven’t gotten a text from in at least 3 months. just “good morning”

i shoot back. “you text about once every 3 months. but you never call. i don’t get it.”

(backstory: known him at least 8 years, maybe 10. decent guy. had sex once. been known to have a semi-sextual flirtation in the past.  had begun to kick it rather regularly about a year ago then he fell off the planet.)

he texts back: i know, i’m sorry. work and school.

then 2nd text: could you send a pic?

*RECORD SCRATCH*

dude? really? you are hitting me up at 7 in the morning hoping to get a pic of my boobs or snatch to get your day started? really? grown men. is there where we are??? but i digress… i simply texted back: “there is free porn all over the net. get you some of that. thanks.”

But still, i’m having a lovely day.  pull jeans from the dryer. fluff the untwisted twisties. get the kids to school.  make it to the office (i.e., Starbucks at the corner of 7th and H streets, Chinatown) order my Refresh tea and break-fast sammie. (the toffeenut breve latte last night on a empty stomach is playing havoc w/ my insides so no coffee) settle in and get a call from a PRIVATE NUMBER.

only two people call me from private numbers… both have women who live w/ them. one is married. I say hello. it’s the married one.

me: Hey A—-n.

him: What’s up trouble?

me: Nothing. and why i gotta be trouble?

him: You don’t have to do anything, you just are.

me: *chuckle*

him: Where are you?

me: Starbucks. Chinatown.

him: Well, i’m in traffic right now but i have to do something in the city. can i call you in an hour?

me: sure.

harmless conversation, right? this one right here? (backstory: me and A—-n used to have a LOT of sex. i met him online probably 1999/2000 and we hooked up strictly to fuck. kinda kinky. very verbal. serious sex. he’s kind of an asshole. a little arrogant. extremely cocky. but we never had a relationship beyond the sex. he does some type of uber military work, he used to fly helicopters and get sent all over the world to these remote locations doing god knows what but fucking every woman he came in contact with but always managed to stay in touch with me. calling me from international locations and telling me his exploits. perpetual bachelor. ridiculous attitude but funny and charming in his own way. the last time he came back home from overseas he came to my birthday party. this was 2 years ago or so. we have since evolved into just friends. we haven’t had sex in at least 4 years but he’s my boy. oh, when he came to my party, he gave me a ride home and told me he was married.  the wife is from … oh, i forget central Africa somewhere, can’t remember the country… but i was way surprised.  i never even heard this man talk about anyone he CARED about enough to do anything resembling getting married. but whatever. now he’s married. with two little boys. 4 and 2 i think. and he always calls from private numbers and does nothing but complain about his marriage. it is so typical and hilarious.)

and i suppose we’re having lunch. if he calls back. LOL

OOOOHHHHH and the baby father has resurfaced after no contact for a month because i have been “giving his pussy away”. Dude? we haven’t had sex since 2008.

2008.

Is This the Zombie Apocalypse? Nope, Just Season of the "Cuff"

Y'all heard about "cuffing season"? Apparently it's all the rage among the in-the-know Tweeters and the like. It is described as the phenomena that occurs when the weather begins to cool and the people that have been getting their whore on all summer decide that it's time to settle down and get a winter boo-thang...

I dismissed it. I really did. MISTAKE.

In the past 10 days, I have received emails, text messages, naked pics, phone calls and Voxers from no less than 8 men that I haven't heard anything from for anywhere from 6 months to over a year. All on some old "I need to see you" mantra... It is almost like something from one of those Twilight Zone episodes. In my mind I see them crawling out of fresh graves, staggering to my doorstep.

I mean really... What is it about me that says "Hey dude that I had a few conversations/a drink/an interesting online chat with X amount of months ago. Please contact me and attempt to pick up exactly where you left off with zero amount of interest from me."??? It's kinda insane. No. Scratch that. It's totally insane.